8 Tips To Quit Drinking While Divorcing

DoD Ep. 8: Don't Let Your Divorce Turn You Into An Alcoholic

Nov 17, 2023

This week is my one-year sober anniversary. It was a pretty sudden thing, stopping drinking. I’d been working on a sober-curious/mocktails article that overlapped with IG clips from Doc Amen and Huberman Lab, town-crying that alcohol was definitively, scientifically the worst. Something clicked in me just like when I was in the 5th grade and learned, “Smoking Kills.” I was remarkably impressionable at that age and never picked up a smoking habit, even though my dad, sister and brother did. (They’ve all quit.)

In the same way, the research I was doing for the article, the gospel of famous IG doctors and the sheer amount of wine I drank on the daily made me say to my partner, “I’m going to quit drinking for six months.” Huberman says your cognitive function is fully restored after six months of abstinence.

My partner decided to join me, which made sobriety easier (except for those irritated relationship moments when I’d suggest, “Maybe you should have a drink and chill.”)

Just how much was I drinking? Since 2017, I had at least one glass of wine daily. It’s possible I skipped a day, here or there, but that was rare. One glass doesn’t sound bad, but that’s “at least.” At most, I split a bottle of rosé during a summer day, followed by a glass or two during apéro hour, another split bottle with dinner and then a digestif (limoncello’s my fave). My lame excuse was that I spent half my time and most of my summers in Europe where wine flows more cheaply than water.

Still, I don’t think most people would say I had a drinking problem. They might make comments like, “Maggie likes her wine.” When I told one of my oldest friends that I don’t drink anymore and am sober, he said, “Well don’t say sober; you’re not an alcoholic.”

I was a social drinker, just like everyone else around me. I never got drunk; I was tired in the mornings, not hungover; I could not drink and feel fine physically. But 1000%, I drank to self-medicate. The trauma of my divorce, being separated from my children, constant legal battles and persistent post-separation abuse meant I was always anxious and frequently stressed. The divorcing-a-narcissist set knows what I’m talking about.

Daily drinking was obviously taking its toll: sleeping poorly, dull-looking skin, irritability when I wasn’t drinking. It was subtle enough that my life didn’t seem so adversely affected, but I was also living in a vague haze that dulled the pain of my problems while also blunting my mental acuity. I had little motivation or energy to accomplish much beyond what was absolutely necessary to get through my day. I know depression had a hand in this, too, but remember, alcohol is a depressant.

A year later, I’m a happy teetotaler. I almost never miss alcohol, except when eating great Italian food. What I love more than a Montepulciano is waking up never with a hangover and not having bouts of brain fog during the day. My moods are more balanced and I feel mentally sharper than I have in a long time.

For me, for now, that tradeoff is supremely worth it.

8 Tips For Quitting Alcohol While Divorcing

Studies have shown the stress of divorce absolutely increases the risk of alcohol use disorder. There’s also this depressing fact: Divorce scores as the second highest stressor on the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory, ranking higher than jail time, getting fired or experiencing a major illness or injury. It’s less stressful going to actual jail than getting divorced!

Want another kick in the pants? Moderate drinking is 1 drink per day for women and 2 for men. Heavy drinking is 4 or more drinks on any day or 8 or more drinks per week for a woman and 5 or more drinks on any day or 15 or more per week for men.

<Gulp>

So how did this heavy drinker quit? Here’s how.1

You Need A Why
NGL, I’m vain so not ruining my skin with the sugar and alcohol in my beloved wine was a big why. I also have an ego around my brain and recall ability. Slips in mental sharpness severely bothered me. I hated feeling draggy all day, too. (My skin looks fucking fantastic, btw.)

Now why do you want to stop drinking?
Choose How Long You’ll Stay Sober
It’s both a goal and end date, which makes it easier to stick out. I chose 6 months because I wanted my cognitive function back per Huberman, but after 6 months, it was easy to say, “Let’s make it a year.” Now at the one year mark, I believe I’ll stay sober until I’m dead or close to it. Maybe I’ll become one of those 100 year-old grannies who drinks whiskey and smokes weed every day in anticipation of the Grim Reaper.
Tell People… Or Don’t
I wasn’t shy about telling people I stopped drinking… because I’m not shy. After decades of always accepting the drink, it still feels good to say, “No thanks, I don’t drink.” Friends and acquaintances were usually curious and admiring, “Why did you stop?” “Wow, that’s awesome, I could never do it.” My tribe helped during those few moments when I felt myself weakening (maybe just half a glass of rosé when in Monaco?). I’m grateful they kept me on my path. My pride and integrity were on the line, too. You don’t blab to everyone you quit drinking and then have a drink.
There’s nothing wrong with keeping your sobriety to yourself, either. Whatever works best for you and your boundaries is what’s right.
Non-Alcoholic Drinks
In the beginning, I really needed a wine substitute. Today, not so much. The sober curious movement is thankfully a real thing so there now exist businesses like Boisson, which sells non-alcoholic versions of tequila, gin, wine, beer and more. There are herbal tonics with adaptogens that help you relax or give you a shot of energy. They’re pretty good!

Wine is tricky. There’s not a single de-alcoholized red wine I’ve tried that doesn’t taste like unsweetened Concord grape juice. White wines are somewhat better. In Greece this summer, we discovered a Spanish brand called Natureo which is the best we’ve tried so far. Unfortunately, no one imports them to the US.

Non-alcoholic beers are amazing. Some of my favorite brands are Athletic Brewing Co, Becks, Stella Artois and Samuel Adams (in a pinch). Lately, my partner and I favor the non-alcoholic and gluten-free beer from Brewdog.

Restaurants and bars have invested in more interesting mocktail offerings so you can go out and feel like you’re having a fancy drink.
CBD, Mushrooms, Supplements
Even though marijuana is legal in many states, I didn’t want to replace my drinking habit with a different vice. However, CBD tinctures and gummies with little to no THC, the “high”-making part of the plant, can help you relax or sleep better and are even doctor-recommended. Microdosing psychedelic mushrooms (NOT legal, but frequently recommended) has shown to improve depression and anxiety. Non-psychedelic shrooms like Reishi, Lion’s Mane and Cordyceps may also ease anxiety and depression symptoms while providing anti-aging benefits.

Supplemements like L-Theanine, Gaba, Ashwaghanda, Rhodiola can help with everything from anxiety to focus to relaxation. Check with your doctor first.
Therapy, Meditation, Breathwork, Cold Plunge
The Ice Man
In 2023, there’s no end to self-care options. For me, therapy is a non-negotiable. While you’re experiencing the trauma known as a contentious divorce, you need someone who’s trained and paid to listen to you cry, vent and have breakdowns in front of. Of course your friends and family want to help and support you, but don’t make them your regular therapists. It’s unhealthy for everyone and can put too much strain on your relationships.

My favorite meditation app is Insight Timer. I’ve been using it since 2017 and while it’s gotten a bit unwieldy as its popularity—and number of teachers—have skyrocketed, it’s an amazing (free!) resource for every kind of meditation you can imagine. It was one of the only places that had guided breathwork tracks back in 2019, which is possibly my favorite form of self-healing and self care. Here’s something I wrote about breathwork and how it saved my life.

Finally, cold plunge. Or cold showers, an unheated pool or an icy lake if you don’t have access to a plunge. When I regularly cold plunge, my skin gets tighter and my psyche gets stronger. Win-win. Overriding your brain/body’s natural resistance to getting into freezing water builds up your courage and confidence—and your immune system, according to some studies. Calming down your overwhelmed mind and nerve endings in the cold water translates to calming yourself down during stressful legal procedures or upsetting exchanges with the ex. Cold plunge gives you an endorphin/dopamine rush and makes you feel like a badass. “Oh, you’re uselessly suing me again? I withstood 5 minutes in 45 degree water this morning so bring it!”

Wim Hof, the Ice Man himself, puts it beautifully, “The cold water healed me. It brought me back into reality. Instead of being guided by my broken emotions toward stress and sorrow, the cold water led me to stillness. Stillness of the mind. That gave my broken heart a chance to rest, restore, rehabilitate.”
Months 3-4 Hardcore Suck
The first two months of not drinking are fairly easy because you’re caught up in the new challenge. By month 3, sobriety is not so exciting anymore. It just is. Most challenging was having to face my life, my problems, my stressors with no wine buffer. Things felt stinging and painful and just so heavy.
Confronting your life without an alcohol filter is difficult and brave.
I felt low during these months, especially because it wasn’t offset by the high of a wine buzz. Nothing was fun anymore because I wasn’t drinking. There were no more extremes and for someone who’s used to outsized amounts of Excitement! Travel! Change! Emotions! Instability!, things felt drab.

But those feelings evened out and I’m used to being fully in my life—clear and present—without the low lows or high highs. I enjoy the emotional, mental and physical stability of sobriety. And yes, things feel fun again, without alcohol.
Examine The Habit
I am not here to judge anyone on their habits, drinking or otherwise. I do encourage everyone to explore the unexamined, whether it’s a well-worn political stance or the need for a daily 5 o’clock cocktail. One thing I realized during my sober journey is that the action—reaching for a relaxing glass of wine after a stressful day—was separate from needing the alcohol. Yes, I like the ritual of a glass of something, but it doesn’t have to be wine anymore or even a glass. I was able to break the habit down into its parts: needing to relax and reaching for a treat. The buzz from alcohol was secondary (for me).2 I’ve also found that when I step back from that initial urge, it goes away.

Divorce is horrible. Let’s not make it worse with alcohol dependency. Your awful ex already fucked your life; don’t let them turn you into a functioning alcoholic, to boot.

I’m happy to answer any questions you may have about any of this in the comments below.

Divorce or Die

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