I never want to minimize the raging personality disorder that is narcissism by calling someone “just a narc.” Because anyone who’s experienced narcissistic abuse knows it’s never “just.”
It’s really important you know who you’re divorcing. Obviously, you should have known who you were marrying (oops), but as Zsa Zsa said:
Zsa Zsa should know; she had 9 marriages. I can’t imagine divorcing 8 times and thinking, I’ll get it right the next time!
She did, btw. Her ninth marriage to a shady “prince” 20 years her junior lasted 30 years until her death at 99 years old.
ICON.
Now back to narcissism.
Divorcing A Narcissist Is A Dante-esque Hellscape
I can’t sugarcoat this. If your spouse is a narcissist, expect your divorce to last years (sometimes longer than the marriage); to cost at least 3-4x (in my case 10x) more than a “normal” divorce; for them to use every dirty tactic available because they want you miserable, poor, friendless, jobless and homeless for daring to stand up to them. If you have children, they will use them as weapons in their one-sided war—without a second thought.
This is what’s called a high-conflict divorce in family court, but it’s a very unfair designation because it implies both parties are conflictual. Victims of abuse, narcissistic or otherwise, know the attacks come from one side. “Mutual abuse” does not exist. Defending ourselves is not abuse. Unfortunately, the legal system hasn’t learned this yet which is why it’s so important to tread very carefully when Divorcing A Narc.
I’m sorry. It’s scary.
But here’s one thing you can count on: Narcissists are all the same.
For awhile now, I’ve been ascribing to the “this is all a simulation” theory of life. In it, narcissists are your low-level, boringly basic baddie. They were programmed with some poorly conceived Narcissists For Are Dummies playbook and never veer from it. Imagination is not their forte.
This means you can anticipate what they’re going to say and do, which is helpful in a legal battle. Also: They will always do the worst thing, ever.
After the 100th text and email calling you a crazy, selfish, worthless, old and fat parasite who’s abandoned her kids, and after the 15th useless (they’re all useless) lawsuit filed against you… you kind of get callused to the whole thing and can move on with your day. You also learn how to respond.
(Don’t respond.)
So You Think You Married A Narcissist?
If there’s one thing we can thank POTUS 45 for, it’s the crash course in narcissism we all unwillingly got.
The deflection, projection, casual cruelty, gaslighting, grandiosity, lack of accountability and inability to self-regulate are textbook narcissism. But the biggest giveaway you’re dealing with a narcissist is their utter lack of empathy.
This is tricky. Narcissists are great imitators. All narcissists are pathological liars so they are very good at storytelling. They’re masters of love-bombing and will embody the Prince(ss) Charming you’ve been waiting for your whole life. They know empathy is a prized human trait so they learn how to mimic it. I’ve witnessed the narcs in my life—oh god, there were so many—as their eyes welled up over Ukraine, slaughtered baby seals and border separations. In the very next breath, they railed about how POC are making Miami “trashy” so they won’t buy property there.
True narcissists are terrible, toxic people and many of us get into relationships with them because we are naive and want to believe what we first see: someone charming, fun, kind and generous whose values align with our and who sweeps us off our feet with big romantic gestures.
Narcissists are actors playing the role of Decent Human.
Signs S/He’s A Narcissist
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