Divorce or Die (Trying)
DoD Ep. 1: Finally
Divorce or Die was a germ of a seedling when my divorce odyssey began 6 years ago.1
Spoiler: I am still not divorced.
I rival Odysseus himself who wandered for 10 years trying to get back home after the Trojan War.
Prayer aside: Dear Athena and Chat GPT, do not let my divorce last another 4 years. Please.
You know what happens when you’ve been doing something this awful for as long as I have? Something between Gladwell’s 10,000 hours of mastery (which I’ve heard is BS) and bone-crushing despair (which I wish were BS).
While we all witnessed/survived/celebrated the rise and hopeful fall of the world’s worst POTUS; the collective fever nightmare of COVID; Asian Oscar winners (!) … I managed to get my doctorate in divorce.2 Like three of them.
I’ve been wanting to share my reluctantly gained knowledge because when I look back, I wish I had known better and done things differently and, and… basically not been such a naive dumbass.
Which I do not blame myself for. Too much. I console myself with the merciful adage, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” (Try it. It works!)
Divorce is devastating. It’s a breakup of your most committed relationship and possibly a family. It’s pulling the plug on “till death do you part.” Whatever you’d imagined for yourself, your spouse, your future children and pets when you said, “I do,” is deceased. You’re forced to recreate the life you’d envisioned and maybe meticulously planned for. It’s an often unwanted (but usually much needed) reinvention of the person you thought you were.
I know divorce can feel like dying. I may know better than anyone. My children were taken from me by a 2019 French appeal court order when they were 7 and 9 years old. They haven’t lived with me full-time in 4 years, even though for the previous decade, I was their primary caregiver and we’d never been apart longer than 2 weeks. Sometimes I think divorce is worse because regular dying doesn’t take as long as a standard-issue divorce.
But it’s not all death and destruction, even when you’re not one of those consciously uncoupling nerds. (Damn straight, I’m bitter and envious.)
The recreation and reinvention part is frightening and exhilarating and the point of this life/game/simulation. We are not meant to stagnate, or worse, regress. If your marriage has stopped evolving—or devolved like mine did—you owe yourself another chance at joy, hope, possibility, and love.
Why this newsletter?
More or less 50% of us marrieds will get divorced. No, I haven’t checked the precise stat because look it up yourself. (Love you; mean it.)
Since my own divorce started, eight friends have told me they’re divorcing, too.
While the details may be different, a few things are constant: No one knows what the hell they’re doing. Everyone is scared and sad. If there are kids, 10X those feelings. Lawyers will vulture because it is their nature.
Many of us will fuck things up, especially if your ex declares “war” on you and lacks the emotional maturity, basic human decency or two brain cells rubbing together to keep your family and your money out of the “justice” system.
Spoiler #2: Justice is rarely found in family court.
If I can save one divorcing woman from naive dumbassery and
post-separation abuse, by God and all that’s holy, I will.
Let my long-suffering quest to “Just Get Divorced Already!™” be your lifeline. I’m offering advice and tips that range from legal, financial, psychological, and spiritual to probably, skincare and recipes? (And always, always… how to protect your kids.)
This is everything I wish I’d known and done because I hit every step, with my face, on the stairway down to divorce hell. But I also clawed my way back up to something like redemption.
At the very least, this newsletter is proof my divorce hasn’t killed me.
Mainly, I want to help.
A retiring lawyer said in 25 years of practicing law, mine was the worst divorce he’d ever seen. I joke that barring murder, my divorce has it all: cheating, violence, abuse, arrest warrants, extortion, harassment, stalking, slander, tabloid coverage, Twitter trolling, fake kidnapping reports, a dozen lawsuits, a dozen lawyers on three continents, 225000 air miles logged, 800000+ euros of legal fees, a Hollywood actress and an annulment.
It’s one of those laugh-so-you-don’t-bawl jokes.
I won’t lie and say my divorce hasn’t been the absolute worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Because MY divorce has been. YOURS doesn’t have to be (which is why I’m writing this).
At the same time, my human evolution accelerated to light speed, thanks to the horrors challenges of the past 6 years. If I’d stayed in a life and a marriage that wasn’t aligned with my values and goals as a human, a woman, a parent, I wouldn’t like or respect myself in any real way right now.
The things I’ve been through flayed me to the marrow. Besides losing custody of my children, all my savings (and then some), I’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and C-PTSD. I lost access to my homes in France. I’m essentially homeless every time I go back to Paris to see my kids (over 20 times in 4 years). Longtime friends disappeared (divorce is catching!) or backstabbed me (I have much better boundaries and friends now).
My identities as wife, stay-at-home mom and Paris expat got replaced by advocate, Angeleno and takes-a-jetplane mom.
I have terrible days when I miss my kids so much, I want to fold in on myself like an emo black hole. But there are good days where I am on-my-knees grateful for the family and friends who’ve always had my back; for the healthy and loving new relationship I have; for the awesome person I’m proud of being and am fully responsible for creating.
Think about that: You get to reinvent yourself without the conditioning we’ve all received since we were born. When your marriage ends, you can choose to step out of the worn and dated paths of “perfect” womanhood. Actually, you’re shoved off those paths. You fucked up—according to society’s standards—so fuck society’s standards. We’ll talk about this idea more in future newsletters because it’s one of my favorites: a “failed” marriage leading to true freedom as a woman.
So maybe my divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me?
This one time, on Instagram, a mood-lit reel asked, “How do you know what your life’s purpose is?” Answer: “Take the experience that nearly killed you but didn’t, and use what you’ve learned to help others. That’s your life’s purpose.”
My life’s purpose has smacked me in the face a few thousand times, but I’ve been too afraid or depressed or exhausted to do anything about it, despite talking about this “divorce newsletter idea” to my very patient friends for years. But I’m not getting younger and people are still getting divorced.
So here it is, ladies. I’ve done it. Finally.
Divorce or Die.
Status Quote
"There's no pain or failure like going through a divorce." – Jennifer Lopez on divorcing Marc Antony, husband #3.
“Love is beautiful. Love is kind. And it turns out love is patient. Twenty years patient.” - Also Jennifer Lopez on marrying Ben Affleck, husband #4.
So the ex’s lawyers don’t use this as some hokey separation date evidence (they’ll try), 6 years ago was when I first discovered his infidelity. We separated in 2018 and our legal battles began in 2019.
No such degree exists… but if it did.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️