Money See, Money Do #1
DoD Ep. 2: It's Always About The $$$$
Marriage is about love, romance—or most likely—dopamine and a social imperative. Divorce, on the other hand, is about money.
That’s it.
It’s not about the cheating. The bickering. The simmering resentment and parboiled hatred. The “I said, you did” tit-for-tat.
That, my divorcées-in-training, is what your separation is.
Divorce is about the money.
And the sooner you get smart about it, the better.
If I were a divorce genie who could grant you a wish that really mattered right now, it’s for you to have the cold clarity of, well, me: A decorated veteran of World War Divorce who constantly expects shelling, bombs and shrapnel, and is no longer shocked by the depths a human—the being formerly known as your spouse—can sink. Also, holy shit, my divorce is lasting as long as WWII.
Not that I want you to be a PTSD zombie (though you will have days like this; I still do). I just want you to take the emotion out of your divorce money decisions because what you do from this point forward (even prior to this point) will affect the rest of your financial future.
Not to alarm you, but yeah.
Things My Korean Mom Never Told Me
A few months into my first legal proceedings in 2019, my mom came from Seoul to support me and my kids in Paris. I was fretting about money because the ex had suddenly, unilaterally decided to lower the kids’ and my monthly support by 25%—even though he was the one who’d decreed the amount the year prior, which was a fraction of his salary (10.6%). This was before there were any court hearings or judgments in our case, so I got whatever he chose to give. He was frequently late with paying and still would be four years later, except his salary’s been garnished for over a year now.1
While I hounded him to send the month’s support so I could buy groceries and feed our children, the front doorbell rang. A delivery person dropped off four sacks of food, containing things like jarred pasta sauce and raw chicken breasts.
An SMS dinged: I just sent over groceries so you and the kids won’t have to eat rice and beans this week.
Instead of wiring me the support money, he sent €100 worth of grocery items that he decided we’d eat.
My mom’s jaw dropped. “Are we a charity? Is this a food donation?”
There are two very wrong things here (apart from the obvious douchiness).
Very Wrong Thing 1:
As a SAHM for over ten years, I had little money of my own, though I came into the marriage with $300,000 in cash savings—which went to buying our marital home (more on safely purchasing property together in future newsletters). I had a separate bank account for when I received any freelance writing money or music publishing royalties.
Otherwise, the ex controlled the money. We had a joint account and I had a debit card linked to it. France doesn’t have credit cards like the US. There’s no revolving credit. You get something that looks like a credit card with a limit of around €5000 and the money gets taken out of your account at the end of the month. He would transfer over that amount from his personal account to cover the month’s spending.
I never questioned this. I should have. While we were married (without a prenup), I lived under the auspices of “all our money is all our money.” The money I had before marriage and whatever I earned during, I happily gave to purchase our home; to pay for vacations; to buy cute clothes and books and toys for the kids; to lend to him so he could pay off debts he couldn’t cover (or so he said). I didn’t worry too much when my pre-marital savings dipped down to nothing because I was married. We’d agreed I’d give up my careers to support his and to raise the kids while he traveled over 190 days a year for work. He brought home the turkey bacon. I cooked it.
I trusted he would take care of me financially because I gave up my country, my careers, my entire personal and professional network—my independence—for our family. Plus, he always said he would take care of me and the kids financially, no matter what.
MAJOR DUMBASS MOVE.
Money is power. Money is control. In marriage, but ESPECIALLY in divorce. Trust all the “for richer and for poorer” blather gets tossed to the side, faster than the sidepiece’s panties.
In 2018, he ordered our French bank, LCL, to lower my debit card limit to about €2000. The banker did this without even consulting me, which I’ve since discovered is illegal. Remember that: A bank can not do things like cancel cards or lower limits on a joint account without consent from both parties. The reality is many bankers will happily do what the “man” of the joint account asks without question.
Anyway, I was in Los Angeles with our kids, then 6 and 8 years old. I tried to order an Uber and my card was declined. He did not answer my desperate calls or texts. The kids and I had to walk for over an hour in East Hollywood to get back home.
Lowering my credit limit and sending groceries instead of money is financial abuse that he was able to perpetrate because I became financially dependent on him during our marriage.2
If you do not have your own bank account with a healthy stash of your own, you are heading into your divorce at a severe disadvantage. Ahead of you are lawyer’s fees, living expenses, kid expenses, doctor’s visits, car and gas payments, cellphone bills, etc, ad infinitum. If he chooses not to pay, you’re fucked, even if you do have a court order.
Case in point: I have something like 4 court orders, including appeal judgments, stating the spousal support he’s required to pay. Yet I had to go through years of litigation to enforce said court orders.
To pursue your money legally, you need to pay a lawyer. You can not get your court-ordered money without spending money you don’t have on more court orders. It’s a financial ouroboros you need to avoid at all costs. (Pun intend…whatever.)
Very Wrong Thing 2:
While my mom observed my financial woes, she mused, “But Maggie, you saved your own money on the side, didn’t you?”
Me: How could I? I was at home raising the kids, not working.
Korean mom: Every month, you should have taken out a few hundred bucks from the joint account and put it in your own account.
Me: What?! Why didn’t you ever tell me this? Like BEFORE I was getting divorced? My wedding day, maybe? You were there!
Korean mom (flustered & defensive): I thought you knew. Every Korean woman knows this.
Me: But HOW would I know if you NEVER told me?!
I was married for over ten years. Had I taken out a few hundred euros each month (let’s say €500) since the start of our marriage, by the time our divorce started, I’d have saved around €61000 ($67,000). Still salty at mom over this.
Top 5 Money Tips, Pre-Divorce
Since my prime directive is to save you from my stupid mistakes, here’s your first Money See, Money Do lesson. This is especially for SAHMs who don’t have their own income source and who don’t expect to release a respectful, joint divorce announcement on social media.
If you do not have any money of your own, DO NOT bring up divorce yet. Even if you have money, I’d suggest keeping the nuclear topic of divorce off the table while you’re figuring out what to do. You can file for divorce quietly and you probably should if there will be jurisdictional issues regarding assets and custody (more on this to come), but say nothing to your spouse. This is a precarious time, made even more so if you don’t have any money. I know this may seem sneaky to you right now, but I can not reiterate enough, if you do not have any money and are heading into divorce, You in danger, girl!
Get a separate bank account only you have access to with its own debit card.
Have a few of your own credit cards, in your maiden name, that only you have access to. You want to maintain your own credit history and keep your credit score as high as you can. This will help you obtain credit card offers (some with 0% interest rates for the first year), which can be incredibly helpful if you find yourself in an extended divorce with a financial abuser.
Funnel money out. If it’s getting cash back at the grocery store or just taking out some extra bills at the ATM, you need to shore up your coffers as much as possible. Sell what valuable things you can. If things are getting really rocky and divorce legalities are imminent, whatever money is in any joint account needs to be transferred into your own account. Again, this seems sneaky, but do this before it is done to you.
DO NOT listen to lawyers who tell you not to do this. Here’s something to know about lawyers and court: They tell women to be “perfect” for court because the patriarchy demands us to be. However, perfect is a moving goal post and you’ll never meet those demands. Men don’t need to be perfect for court. Because they (generally) have the money and a penis. So make sure you have money if you don’t have a penis.While I want to focus on advice for when you’re divorcing, if you are able to address these issues before (even before you get married), that’s ideal. If you and your spouse agree you’re going to be a SAHM, then you should have a serious discussion about how you’ll be compensated for it. According to data from Salary.com, a SAHM’s salary should be $184,000 annually. It’s reasonable for a SAHM to receive some kind of “salary,” from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars a month (depending on the family’s income) to use at her discretion. Why should a SAHM suddenly find herself up shit’s creek without the cash to buy a paddle during a divorce? That is unfair and misogynistic.
Watch the couple with the SAHDad in Ramit Sethi’s “How To Get Rich” on Netflix. The financial guru is very clear the stay-at-home parent deserves part of the working parent’s income. And before a man comes at me with, “See, the woman was being sexist in this couple,” I absolutely agree her attitudes on work, money and childcare were deeply patriarchal. Yes, women can be misogynists!
I’m all for laying out precise terms in a marriage contract and if you have a decent partner, they will understand and agree. (The NYT also thinks this is a good idea). Of course, if your partner is this reasonable, you’ll probably stay married so this will be moot. How your spouse reacts to these kinds of financial issues pre-marriage, or even during, will give you a sense of how they’re going to behave during your divorce.
You should also be mature enough to be able to have these kinds of discussions, as uncomfortable as they can be. And money talk always makes people uncomfortable. If you’re not mature enough, then you probably shouldn’t get married. Sorry not sorry because it’s true. Experts cite money as the #1 or #2 reason most couples get divorced.
If you’re past negotiating money in your marriage, and if you’re reading this you probably are, please follow Steps 1 to 4.
Pay attention and always protect yourself and your children.
Divorcée Hall of Fame
Author Mackenzie Scott aka former wife of Amazon’s cueball-in-chief, Jeff Bezos, finalized her second divorce this year. I love Mackenzie Scott. She stayed classy while her first husband hasn’t left Midlife Crisis Island since 2018—except to embarrass us all with his Penis Crusades, Quest for Immortality/A Trillion Dollars, which takes him to events like Coachella in an unbuttoned butterfly shirt that may or may not be sold on Amazon. Or outer space for 4 minutes and $5.5 billion.
Mackenzie, meanwhile, has already donated $14 BILLION of her $38B divorce settlement. She quietly married a chemistry teacher and almost as quietly divorced him. Besides being a published author, a bad-ass philanthropist and a mother of four, Mackenzie has gotten divorced—twice—at light speed while I am… still not divorced.
New mantra: Be like Mackenzie. I should put it on a shirt and sell it on Amazon.
This took 4 legal procedures over 2 years: We had to seize his bank account and salary twice. He then took me to court twice to say these were “abusive seizures,” forcing me to spend thousands in legal fees and asking the court to award him thousands in legal fees. (Instead of just paying me the court-ordered alimony, which was less than the legal fees.) He lost and tried to appeal the last decision, but his lawyers did not get the paperwork done in time. I am still waiting to receive the legal fees the court awarded me. This is financial and legal abuse. It’s also stupid, from a pure monetary perspective. Lawyers are NOT financial advisors, people!
Financial abuse is coercive control and post-separation abuse. This happens frequently during divorce. More on this in future newsletters.