I know, I know… I’ve been the worst Substacker who’s had the WORST SUMMER EVER, but I’m back and… better? Or at least, different.
Breakups are the worst, which I know J.Lo can agree with. The Bennifer 2.0 Divorce Watch is over as Mrs. Jennifer Affleck-née-Lopez filed for divorce on their 2nd wedding anniversary. Oof. But she has not gone “no contact,” which, same, gurl, same.
I’ve heard from other divorcé(e)s how their exes would do legal filings on special dates: birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Either they’re cruel or fate is.
My ex tried to serve divorce papers on my birthday. I’ve had court hearings and judgments on our wedding anniversary, a couple times. It all feels like a diabolical mindfuck, but hey, that’s divorce!
While I wish no one to ever go through the pain of a breakup—except for my exes and Ben Affleck (fuck y’all)—I was kind of glad to go through this again, if only because it reminds me how much heartache is involved at a relationship’s end. I don’t think I’m a masochist, but remembering the existential and very literal pain of separation allows me to be more empathetic to my readers who are going through this right now, in real time.
Because my separation started over 7 years ago and I started a sweep-you-off-your-feet romance in Year 4 of my divorce, I was pretty removed from the unmitigated horror of breaking up. Of course we want to forget the pain and suffering of our marriages ending, but going through this again allows me to serve the blindsided and heartbroken with even more care and compassion. I feel you guys!
It’s almost 3 months since my breakup. It’s been as whirlwind as the start of my relationship—only in The Upside Down: depression rather than dopamine; loss instead of love.
BUT…
I am really doing so much better. Here are some of the healing/coping strategies I’ve employed and please feel free to share yours.
10 Ways To Get Over A Breakup
Workout. I’ve got a terrific new trainer who’s young and fun and immediately understood the assignment: Revenge Body (not by Khloe Kardashian, but her body is fire, let’s be real):
It’s been amazing for my sleep, my mental and physical strength and my confidence. I’m not in Paris anymore. Having a skinny-fat mom bod is fine (I love myself!), but seeing some abs and the smallest shelf on my flat Asian ass is gratifying. If you can’t join a gym, just go for a walk outside and marvel at the world’s chaos and beauty. Maybe you’ll see me as I try to hit my daily 10K steps.
Back to breathwork. Nothing has settled down my nervous system more than regular breathwork. I’ve found a new instructor I adore, Coach Cam. She’s a demanding (in the best way) teacher and she also initiated me into a Hapé ceremony, which was INTENSE. I can talk more about that another time, if anyone’s interested.
Move into my own place. Ok, this was stressful and scary because moving sucks. And moving out because you’re broken up is even suckier and scarier. But I am SO HAPPY to have my own home again. Yes, it’s a third of the size of my Paris home, but it’s all mine. It’s the first time in 17 years I’ve had my own place.
Real talk: I cried when I signed my lease. The leasing agent was so sweet and held both my hands, “This is going to be amazing for you and your kids.” So I understand everything you can feel when you leave a home and life you’ve planned and had for years. But my agent was right. It is amazing. I can decorate without compromise. My kids can make as much noise as they want (within reason). My teenager currently has 3 girlfriends over, getting ready for a football game; they’re playing Gen-X R&B while they put on denim shorts and skirts that are far too tight. My dream-nightmares have come true.Write constantly. I started doing The Artist’s Way Morning Pages earlier this year with Ali Griffin Vingiano’s Little Things. I’ve written in journals since I was 8 years old. While married, mothering and waging a divorce war, that practice dwindled—to my detriment. Writing nearly daily has been so good for getting out my feelings. SO. MANY. FEELINGS. Please try it if you don’t already. Ruminations are better on the page than in your mind and who knows, maybe you’ll get a memoir out of it.
Get a therapist. I love therapy and feel fortunate to have found a new one who expands my thinking. It’s challenging and illuminating. She doesn’t just want to hear me bitch and whine. She wants me to figure out my shit and regulate my nervous system. Is it just my algorithm or is “nervous system regulation” the latest online psych trend?
If you can, try therapy. A good therapist can guide you to healing, self-awareness and growth.Reconnect with friends and fam. I’ve been in a hermetically sealed love (and divorce) bubble for the past 3.5 years. Traveling back-and-forth from Paris every four to six weeks was exhausting. Once I was back home in LA, I just wanted to curl up and cuddle with my partner. Consequently, my social and support circle got very small. Big mistake. I’ve forgotten what a social being I am (ENTP here). Meeting and hanging out with people resuscitates and inspires me. Even my kids said to me, “Now that you’re single, Mom, you can have a social life again.” Out of the mouths of babes… So I’m doing a lot more of that and feeling happy about it. Who wants to be my friend?
Try something new. I haven’t had many hobbies while fighting for my kids—again, to my detriment. I’ve joined a writing group with a new-old friend; I’m taking a standup comedy class later this fall (it’s always been on my bucket list). I want to do something with my hands and haven’t been great at pottery or knitting so if anyone has ideas, lmk! Carpentry?
Get spoiled. I guess you could call this self-care, but I see it as something more special yet quotidian at the same time. We all deserve luxury, however that looks to you, and pampering yourself is really necessary when you’re feeling fragile and sad. If you don’t spoil yourself, who will?But allow people to spoil you if they want! Luxury for me looks like:
- A hot bubble bath with candles, aromatherapy and Insight Timer
- Booking a breathwork class and showing up instead of cancelling- My full skincare routine with sheet masks
- Breaking out my “fashun” instead of the usual sweats, including my Birkin. It reminds me of who I was and still am: Fabulous, darling!- Planning getaways to some of my favorite places to see some of my favorite people
- Buying and assembling kitchen and closet organizers from Amazon. IYKYK.Read. I’m a big self-help reader and these are the latest and greatest on my Audible. I’ve been recommending them to everyone because they’re eye- and mind-opening, especially for anyone going through a transition (like a breakup) who wants to get and be better in relationship with yourself and others.
Through the Dark Wood: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis
Your Brain On Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships by Stan TatkinBe grateful. Isn’t it funny how when things are going well, you can easily fall into the trap of sweating the small stuff and looking for things to get upset over? Human design includes a negativity bias for survival purposes. While this may save us from being chomped by crocodiles, it clearly dampens our joy. I try to remember this quote because for 6 years, my ONLY dream was to have my kids living with me in California and for my divorce to be over. Everything else (including my romance) was pink champagne.
That huge, almost impossible dream came true this year. While I know it’s possible to hold two opposing ideas at the same time, there’s a level of entitlement to focus on the next (sad, terrible, missing) thing without fully appreciating what you already have. I was devastated when my relationship abruptly ended, but in the brevity of life, what is 3.5 years? A blip within a blip. I need to keep things in context. Gratitude reminds me to look at the endless sunshine and the swaying palm trees from the apartment I share with my babies and know I am living a miracle. So are you. It might not seem like it right now, but I PROMISE right now will change into something else. Life is as rosy as you wish to see it.
No Contact + Tonight’s Supermoon Partial Eclipse
I do believe you need to go cold turkey with breakups, much like with any addiction. Yes, the initial withdrawal is blood-curdling, but then it’s done. Much like Jennifer Lopez (can she and I start a support group already), I have not been successful with going no contact. Honestly, I was better when separating from my husband! Granted, I moved 5000 miles away. Also, if you are separating from a narcissist, know that no contact is absolutely necessary for your wellbeing.
There are very many reasons to go no contact after a breakup, but the most important is that this is the time to focus on yourself—not your ex and whatever nonsense they’re up to. This is hard when you have codependent tendencies, but if you’re ever going to heal those wounds, you’ve got to let go and love yourself more than your ex, more than the dreams you had for your future together. Make your singular future even dreamier!
I hate platitudes, especially woo-woo ones like let go and love yourself, so maybe try my older sister’s mantra: Who cares?
He’s following hoes on IG: Who cares?
He broke his leg skiing: Who cares?
He says he misses you: Who cares?
He’s (maybe) dating a Kennedy: Who cares?
Remember how this fucker ended your relationship rather than work on it like a mature, emotionally evolved man. We do not have time for stunted, selfish men-children, especially when we didn’t birth them. Give him back to his own mama so she can reflect on why she and his dad did such a piss-poor job raising him.
Otherwise, tonight’s Supermoon Partial Eclipse is all about transformation, big emotions, closure, stepping into your power, blah blah. Aren’t they all? Though I like this one because there’s a lot of 17 in it. If you even partially believe in this stuff, use the energy to do what you must, draw your boundaries and take care of yourself. You hear me, Jen?