One of the most infuriating and incomprehensible behaviors of a narcissist is their complete inability to be accountable for their actions. Nothing is ever their fault and they are always the victim—even though they’re the liars, cheaters, abusers and criminals (see: Trump hush-money trial).
A normal adult human learns at some point in her life—around post-toddlerhood—that she can’t keep avoiding consequences and deflecting and projecting blame for, well, anything and everything. Sadly, most narcissists are psychologically and emotionally stunted at the toddler years.1
As my first Know Your Narc post laid bare, a narcissist is not a normal human. I often think the rest of us make the mistake of giving them the benefit of the doubt because it seems impossible that a grown person can have such a delusional worldview, making decisions that are illogical and often self-defeating in the pursuit of always being right—or maybe it’s never being wrong.
Surely no one goes through life believing they’re never in the wrong, never to blame, it’s always someone else’s fault?
Exhibit: Narcissist. (See also: any Trump tweet.)
Expect these behaviors from the Narc You’re Divorcing. This will save you many hours of banging your head against the wall because you’re gobsmacked a person-you-were-married-to can be this unhinged from reality.
One thing you must keep in mind is you were the narcissist’s main supply while you were married to them. Losing you is like a meth-head losing their drug supply. They’re going to react very harmfully for a very long time—until they’ve secured another main source of supply. Like I said before, tread carefully and if you can go no contact, please do. Your safety and wellbeing are paramount, especially when you’re divorcing a narcissist.
All The Ways The Narcissist Is Never Wrong
It Wasn’t Me
A friend used to say this about the narc he divorced: Even if I caught her with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar, she would say, “This isn’t my hand. And that’s not a cookie.”
It doesn’t matter if you’ve found them naked in your bed with someone else, they’ll come back with any variation of “He seduced me and made me fall onto his penis” to “I fell onto his penis because you made me so unhappy.”
They may try to gaslight you and pretend you didn’t see what you saw with your own two eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about; I was not on someone else’s penis in our marital bed. You should get your eyes and your head checked.”
It’s Everyone Else’s Fault
They abused you, cheated on you, stole from you, slandered you, started several lawsuits against you, but YOU are the problem. It’s your fault they’re liars, cheaters and libelous, litigious thieves. If it’s not your fault for driving them to it, it’s the lawyer who somehow filed a subpoena without their knowledge or the bad advice they got from a divorce blog.2They Are Above The Law
Whether it’s civil, criminal or moral law, it does not apply to narcissists. And forget the Golden Rule. For them it’s more like, Do unto others what you would never, ever want done to you.
Narcs engage in risky and even criminal behaviors believing they won’t get caught or if they do, they’ll evade any consequences. But karma gets everyone, even fake billionaire ex-presidents.
When moral or legal consequence does catch up to them, the narcissist is completely blindsided and shook.
Always The Victim, Never The Perpetrator
It goes something like this: Narc gets caught doing something wrong or illegal. There is a repercussion for said action. They loudly cry victim to anyone who’ll listen because they are finally being held accountable for the wrong they did.3This is a very abusive tactic ALL narcissists employ, especially in court.
It’s called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.
Examples of this are claiming abuse because their victim fought back; being charged for a crime they committed and calling it a witch hunt; calling someone abusive for calling out their abuse or maintaining no-contact boundaries.
It’s exhausting and disgusting. Always remember: Narcissists are rarely the victim. Just because you defend yourself—rather than roll over and take their abuse—it does not make you the abuser.
Accusations Are A Confession
Do you ever get a text from your narc hurling all manner of unfounded accusations and outright lies and you’re scratching your head like, WTAF are they even talking about? Because the accusations are so outlandish, with zero basis in reality, it can’t be possible anyone in their right mind would try to pass them off as facts. (See again: orange guy, above.)
Narcissists are not in their right mind. Some studies have shown people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) of which narcissism is one, tend to have lower IQs. They don’t behave intelligently: They’re impulsive, reckless, vulgar, less articulate and more aggressive. Every narcissist I’ve come across has been fairly stupid and lazy with a hair-trigger temper.
So when your narc accuses you of lying in court, paying off a judge, kicking the dog, using your children as pawns… just know they’re broadcasting what they’re doing and basically indicting themselves. Like my friend with the cookie-jar ex would always says after another one of those texts: Everything she says is a mirror. I know if she’s saying I did something, it means she did it.
Again, exhausting and disgusting but sound advice.
What You Can Do
Don’t engage. Don’t engage. Don’t engage.
If you can afford to, have your lawyer deal with the crazy if it’s crucial to your case. Otherwise, ignore them. If you must refute a slanderous lie, simply reply, “You know that’s not true.”
Also, the block button exists for a reason.
This is why we can have a little sympathy for narcissists. Though there are some indications of a genetic component, most narcissists are raised (neglected, abused, abandoned) by other narcissists. And that’s gotta suck.
Definitely not this one!
Unfortunately, because many people lack critical thought, they may very well believe a narcissist’s lies about you. It’s ok. You don’t want dummies in your life, anyway. So let it go. It doesn’t matter. Your true people know you and got you.