How To Get Over It
DoD, Ep. 31: As If I Really Know But Maybe A Rebound?
Back in December, I went to Costa Rica for a full circle moment, post-divorce, post-breakup. I hadn’t been back in 17 years since my wedding. I am mystical and woo, psychic (according to my psychic) and witchy. I follow threads of intuition that tell me to do things, go places, no matter how improbable—and 17 is my magic number. So I bought plane tickets two weeks before departure.1 It was a rough trip. My heart was so broken, I honestly didn’t know how I’d make it through Christmas and New Year’s alone. I cried and had panic attacks pretty much daily.
At an Ayurvedic retreat, I met sure-to-be-lifelong new friends and had some intense healing sessions. I also had a Vedic astrology reading by Matea, the amazing Croatian woman who runs the center. She told me some key things:
I’m in a double Saturn period, which is why life has been extra-shitty for seven years (aligning perfectly with my divorce and breakup).
This heavy and dark period would be over at the end of March and I would feel very different, lighter and happier, and wouldn’t want to drag the past into my much brighter future.
I believed #1 but not #2. I told her I couldn’t see how I could possibly feel different about not being with my soulmate. She said, “I promise you, you’ll feel different and I want you to call me in April because I know you’ll be happier.”
Spoiler: She was right!
Is It Astrology?
I’ve spent months, years processing grief and loss and when you are in the muck, you are in it and can’t see how it can possibly end. Matea told me how 20172 was when all my karmic lessons began and how double Saturn slaps you in the face and keeps you feeling very down, even if you’re a naturally optimistic, sunny person like me.
The past month has been an intense astrological period, with the last few weeks being especially wild, for the believers among us. (Plus, there’s a full moon in Libra—my sign—coming up this weekend.)
How the astrology is playing out for me:
Unexpected/fated encounters, full circle moments, instant manifestations and what feels like a shedding of old skin—while remembering everything about me and knowing not to repeat certain patterns and addictions. I’m almost giddy with how LIGHT I feel.
I feel like myself but wiser, my happiness hard-earned, which is why I’m so grateful.
All this to tell you that even when the slog seems never-ending, it does end. It took about 8 years for me, but here I am. The anxiety will stop (or lessen a lot). The ruminations will vanish for the most part.
I don’t know if it’s magic, astrology, meditation or the flush of new desires, but suddenly, the constant static of my sadness is almost all gone.
It feels miraculous and maybe it is. I’m trying to be as present as possible during this time because I know things will change once again.
I was in San Francisco when I started writing this post and Mike and I talked about impermanence, especially in the context of relationship, and how accepting that nothing is fixed in forever is perhaps the cornerstone of a balanced life and a mature, healthy partnership.
But what do we know? We’re both divorced!
Loving Yourself Is So Hard But Great Sex Helps
I do believe the way to get over anything is to love yourself so much that whatever’s happening externally—a breakup, a divorce, a job loss—doesn’t feel like a world-destroyer.
I was/am not great with this, but I’m getting better. Here’s something I saw on Instagram that maybe works? I still do it:
When you wake up, brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand (harder than it sounds!)3
While doing this, look in the mirror and repeat, “I love myself, I love you [say your name]” and whatever other affirmations you like. I say to my mirror self, “You’re safe, you’re amazing, you’re beautiful, you’re loved, you’re going to have an amazing day.”
Do some breathwork, even if it’s just 30 deep breaths (make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale), and follow with meditation. I recently took a course in Sky Breath and it feels transformative.
I’ve been rediscovering myself, thanks to old friends and new. I’m remembering who I am and was before marriage, before motherhood, before divorce. I’m reminded I’m not just a single mom of teens in Santa Monica who went through a brutal divorce. I am so much more than that and so are you.
I was a rockstar and writer who married a war correspondent, going from my artistic family to his, living in Paris after New York City, raising trilingual children and traveling around the world (42 countries and counting). I have been a warrior for 7 long years (and several lifetimes), but I’d rather be a lover.
Who are you?
Meeting new people is really helpful because they didn’t know you within the context of your trauma and grief. They know the person they just met and whichever part of your story you choose to share with them.
Someone new has been reteaching me the intimate pleasure of speaking French. I forgot that being able to switch from English to French (or any other language) mid-conversation is one of my favorite things.
Honestly, I don’t know the exact formula for getting over grief, loss and life-changing events like divorce. It’s a combination of time, small (sometimes big) miracles, hope, effort and love in all its forms. For me, getting out of my daily grind—and my head—to see people I love in different cities is essential.
For anyone going through massive changes and possibly trauma, I want you to remember who you are besides your divorce or breakup. Like I said, it’s hard when you’re in the middle of the muck, but you were someone before you got married and you’re still that someone (wiser, better) after you divorce.
Finally, I never believed rebounds worked. But if I look back on my separation, having an ardent connection with a young, handsome, super-smart guy—along with a few model flings—really did help me get over some of the initial shock and horror of my marriage and family breaking apart.
It’s absolutely, purely egoic.
Still, having incredible sex with a gorgeous someone who’s physically, chemically, sexually, culturally and intellectually your type is kind of like a Magic Eraser for your breakup.
Maybe it is as simple as “Get a hot lover to get over it…”
I’m the queen of last-minute travel plans
When my divorce began
My right hand weirdly tenses up into a claw when I do this
Need encouragement for the “hot lover” stage because I’m still in the “too broken for that” stage 🥵 👏
Sounds great. Where do I find this hot lover?