This made me laugh, and it also gave me deja vu. I feel like I've had this exact conversation with friends back a few years ago when I first started dating. I loved this piece, but this is where I stopped to think - about Dina saying she's "not sure lightning strikes twice when it comes to falling-in-soulmate-love." I think that might be true to an extent, especially if you compare everyone to your old soulmate. Which I did for a long time. But then one day, you pop out the other side, and maybe you start thinking differently about what a soulmate really is? At least that's what finally, finally happened to me. Anyhow, I'm new to substack and looking forward to following you - I'm so glad to find writing like yours!
Thank you, Patty, for reading and commenting! I am so happy you've moved on from your old soulmate narrative. That's beautiful and so encouraging. Thanks for being here! <3
I think this is great and been seeing a lot of this stuff recently. What I wonder is, where was all this enthusiasm for mid life crises when it was men dumping their wives and children over the last decades? I mean, they were lambasted and called pathetic deadbeats. I too would celebrate tales from men talking about all the strange they’re getting after dumping their fat frumpy wives and start living their best lives. Maybe the bald guy in the Ferrari was right along?
If we look at pop culture throughout history: movies, TV, books, there's been plenty that glorify men's midlife crises. And no, they weren't lambasted. If you would like to celebrate tales from these bald men, go to twitter and the likes of Andrew Tate. Again, there's plenty there. You sound like you're in pain and I am sorry about that. Breakups and divorce are devastating for everyone. FYI: My marriage ended in part due to my ex's infidelity. I am neither fat nor frumpy. But that's not the point. Everyone is in pain and trying to feel better. If posts like these upset you, the internet is a nearly infinite space where you can find things that can help you feel seen and heard. Good luck!
Maggie thank you for what was for me, a casual read.
This is a world that I don't know and don't care to.
How do you feel, knowing that guys are also doing this to you? What is this strategy doing to your idea of relationships? Intimacy? Even friendships?
Every project that we undertake has two products: whatever results, and ourselves. Does beelining for what we want in this way produce who we want to be?
This is not a finger-wag. I don't know the answer. It just seems a very lonely way to live -- and I live alone.
You're perfectly valid in not wanting to know this world. Frankly, I'm approaching from more of a socio-ethnological POV. It's interesting exploring this world, but do I want to remain in it? Doubtful as I find it demoralizing. As for guys choosing women mainly/solely based on externals: That's been going on way longer than the existence of apps. I think what's changed is the turnaround of women having the money, power and agency to do the same thing men have for millennia. If you've been reading my posts, you know I think this is all a simulation, anyway. Ultimately, everyone will and probably should do what they want—and be self-contained enough to not let the external simulation dictate their inner world.
I had a woman tell me, on our second date, “I’ve got a really big cunt so I need a guy with a really big cock.” We’d had sex on the first date when I took her home from a party, and I hadn’t especially noticed an abyss. Being a very average fella I was a bit crestfallen ‘cause I quite liked her, and I don’t we ever successfully fucked again.
It’s been 44 years, an’ I done got over it. It’s hard to know what to believe about what women really think about penis size. Having never had a vagina an’ all. When they say size doesn’t matter is that to assuage the communal fragile male ego, when they would truly rather he had more to offer? It’s not equivalent to men preferring larger breasts as that is cultural conditioning and not a primary player in sexual satisfaction. When women write erotica there is never a description of someone’s “just adequate” genitalia even when they are used to great mutual benefit. A room is never abuzz with “average dick energy.”
Having played with a few myself, bigger is more fun to handle and I would think that more snugly filling an opening would stimulate more nerves by stretching alone. There is certainly more performance anxiety among the unblessed because they have to do more than just show up.
If we dispense with the shallowness of 5'11" & fit, there are several important things that I left out of my list (written in sarcastic font)
Let's start with:
Honesty
Kindness
Faithfulness
How the person treats others
Shared values
just to name a few.
I really don't care if all you want is a hot body or a fuck buddy, the woman I would want to date has to be more than 5'10" tall and a quarter inch deep.
I've been married longer than you have been alive, Maggie Kim, as have many of our friends. We see you and your generation as people adrift, not given reins as children and lacking roots as adults.
"Fit" isn't a shallow criteria because health is important and "fit" means a wide range of things. What generation do you belong to that you think mine is "adrift"? You've been married over 50 years? And if you don't care about Diane's dating/sexual preferences or mine (which I haven't really disclosed), why do you keep commenting on them? I hope everyone finds what they're looking for, it's what we all deserve.
In common context, FIT (to many single women) means a man who can maintain an erection - the three big NO’s of men in the dating pool are no baldies, no paunch and no limp dick.
YES - married 55 years, 3 children, 4 grands and 7 great grands. Oldest child is retired from the Food Service Industry, Middle is in Forestry, and youngest is a Doctor who teaches at a university with 10 published books.
Did I forget to mention education in my list of wants for a date? I have a Bachelors and two advanced degrees, three different certifications and currently study Law at Harvard.
If you want to sit at the Adults Table, you have to bring a better game than what you have.
Why do I keep commenting on your dating habits? Seriously trying to understand the collective psychopathy.
Did I miss something and you are also a single woman who knows what the “common parlance” of single women actually is? And if you’ve been married so long, why do you even have a list of “wants” for a date? Is your lovely wife aware that you’re looking? You’re correct: An “adult table” where the men are balding, paunchy, have erectile dysfunction and out themselves as such on someone’s substack is not one I want to sit at. Can’t imagine anyone would. Best of luck in law school and your happy life and marriage!
Successful men... without big dicks? Wouldn't a 23yo muscular young man with a big dick actually be the equivalent of a 23yo "young and tight mistress," if we're comparing apples to apples? As stated previously, not sure why Diane's personal preference is causing so much hurt. Big dick, big tits, big ass... we all have preferences and are allowed to express and prioritize them, no?
Oh I see. There's a difference between "big dick" and pornstar dimensions though. The venn diagram overlaps but they're not the same. If Diane's standard of what she's looking for sexually is uncomfortable for you, a "normal guy," that just means you two aren't a fit. Why is it socially acceptable for men to loudly want specific female body parts: big tits, big ass, etc, but for a woman to want a big dick, it's abnormal? It's just evolution. Women with those proportions are perhaps more fertile. Men with big dicks are perhaps more virile. Childless or not, many women do prefer a big dick to a small one. Just like many men prefer big tits to a flat chest. There are 8 billion people in the world, you can find someone who wants a "normal guy."
That said, the quality of sex isn't determined by physical attributes alone. Those body parts are attached to actual people who have minds, hearts and souls. Love, intimacy, chemistry, compatibility, even humor are some of the things that take sex to the mind-blowing level, at least in my experience.
This made me laugh, and it also gave me deja vu. I feel like I've had this exact conversation with friends back a few years ago when I first started dating. I loved this piece, but this is where I stopped to think - about Dina saying she's "not sure lightning strikes twice when it comes to falling-in-soulmate-love." I think that might be true to an extent, especially if you compare everyone to your old soulmate. Which I did for a long time. But then one day, you pop out the other side, and maybe you start thinking differently about what a soulmate really is? At least that's what finally, finally happened to me. Anyhow, I'm new to substack and looking forward to following you - I'm so glad to find writing like yours!
Thank you, Patty, for reading and commenting! I am so happy you've moved on from your old soulmate narrative. That's beautiful and so encouraging. Thanks for being here! <3
Ladies, don't read this.
Now they've gone...
My dudes, you get that reading and responding to this post is entirely optional, right?
And an individual woman saying what they want in a man that doesn't match how you see yourself is not actually a vote against your existence.
Everyone should get what they want. But life isn't fair. There's enough men crying about nothing on the internet, don't add to it.
One more thing in anticipation of potential replies to my message... An axxhole says "she's not gonna fxxk you".
More of people like you, please ❤️
that was perfect, and hysterical.
I think this is great and been seeing a lot of this stuff recently. What I wonder is, where was all this enthusiasm for mid life crises when it was men dumping their wives and children over the last decades? I mean, they were lambasted and called pathetic deadbeats. I too would celebrate tales from men talking about all the strange they’re getting after dumping their fat frumpy wives and start living their best lives. Maybe the bald guy in the Ferrari was right along?
If we look at pop culture throughout history: movies, TV, books, there's been plenty that glorify men's midlife crises. And no, they weren't lambasted. If you would like to celebrate tales from these bald men, go to twitter and the likes of Andrew Tate. Again, there's plenty there. You sound like you're in pain and I am sorry about that. Breakups and divorce are devastating for everyone. FYI: My marriage ended in part due to my ex's infidelity. I am neither fat nor frumpy. But that's not the point. Everyone is in pain and trying to feel better. If posts like these upset you, the internet is a nearly infinite space where you can find things that can help you feel seen and heard. Good luck!
Maggie thank you for what was for me, a casual read.
This is a world that I don't know and don't care to.
How do you feel, knowing that guys are also doing this to you? What is this strategy doing to your idea of relationships? Intimacy? Even friendships?
Every project that we undertake has two products: whatever results, and ourselves. Does beelining for what we want in this way produce who we want to be?
This is not a finger-wag. I don't know the answer. It just seems a very lonely way to live -- and I live alone.
You're perfectly valid in not wanting to know this world. Frankly, I'm approaching from more of a socio-ethnological POV. It's interesting exploring this world, but do I want to remain in it? Doubtful as I find it demoralizing. As for guys choosing women mainly/solely based on externals: That's been going on way longer than the existence of apps. I think what's changed is the turnaround of women having the money, power and agency to do the same thing men have for millennia. If you've been reading my posts, you know I think this is all a simulation, anyway. Ultimately, everyone will and probably should do what they want—and be self-contained enough to not let the external simulation dictate their inner world.
Pretty is for goldfish, Maggie; size is for trousers. Among humans, the best quality in companionship is conversation.
Except when we’re optimizing for sex rather than companionship.
That could feel like a warm organism simulating a sex toy, I guess.
In a world that felt always simulated, the best respite from loneliness could be distraction.
But the biggest convenience of a world without intimacy could be a life without vulnerability.
In any case, this might explain why it feels foreign to me.
Thank you for your thoughts, Maggie.
Likewise for yours 🙏
I had a woman tell me, on our second date, “I’ve got a really big cunt so I need a guy with a really big cock.” We’d had sex on the first date when I took her home from a party, and I hadn’t especially noticed an abyss. Being a very average fella I was a bit crestfallen ‘cause I quite liked her, and I don’t we ever successfully fucked again.
all of that sounds terrible...
It’s been 44 years, an’ I done got over it. It’s hard to know what to believe about what women really think about penis size. Having never had a vagina an’ all. When they say size doesn’t matter is that to assuage the communal fragile male ego, when they would truly rather he had more to offer? It’s not equivalent to men preferring larger breasts as that is cultural conditioning and not a primary player in sexual satisfaction. When women write erotica there is never a description of someone’s “just adequate” genitalia even when they are used to great mutual benefit. A room is never abuzz with “average dick energy.”
Having played with a few myself, bigger is more fun to handle and I would think that more snugly filling an opening would stimulate more nerves by stretching alone. There is certainly more performance anxiety among the unblessed because they have to do more than just show up.
5' 11" & fit?
Once ran the numbers of exclusion...let's see:
Of the 1 million women in my city, fully 2/3 were either too old or too young
of the 330 thousand left 3/4 were married that leaves 82,000 give or take
only 4920 were the right religion
1600 were divorced with children leaving 3320
850 were confirmed lesbian 2470 remaining
1800 were 4th wave feminist leaving 670
68 were overweight
of the 602 left 45 were good looking enough to be considered for a second date
the last 557 held no interest
this is what MEN look at!!!
Sorry you're single, I guess, after all that math?
no - good guess though
If we dispense with the shallowness of 5'11" & fit, there are several important things that I left out of my list (written in sarcastic font)
Let's start with:
Honesty
Kindness
Faithfulness
How the person treats others
Shared values
just to name a few.
I really don't care if all you want is a hot body or a fuck buddy, the woman I would want to date has to be more than 5'10" tall and a quarter inch deep.
I've been married longer than you have been alive, Maggie Kim, as have many of our friends. We see you and your generation as people adrift, not given reins as children and lacking roots as adults.
We hope you find what you are looking for!
"Fit" isn't a shallow criteria because health is important and "fit" means a wide range of things. What generation do you belong to that you think mine is "adrift"? You've been married over 50 years? And if you don't care about Diane's dating/sexual preferences or mine (which I haven't really disclosed), why do you keep commenting on them? I hope everyone finds what they're looking for, it's what we all deserve.
In common context, FIT (to many single women) means a man who can maintain an erection - the three big NO’s of men in the dating pool are no baldies, no paunch and no limp dick.
YES - married 55 years, 3 children, 4 grands and 7 great grands. Oldest child is retired from the Food Service Industry, Middle is in Forestry, and youngest is a Doctor who teaches at a university with 10 published books.
Did I forget to mention education in my list of wants for a date? I have a Bachelors and two advanced degrees, three different certifications and currently study Law at Harvard.
If you want to sit at the Adults Table, you have to bring a better game than what you have.
Why do I keep commenting on your dating habits? Seriously trying to understand the collective psychopathy.
Did I miss something and you are also a single woman who knows what the “common parlance” of single women actually is? And if you’ve been married so long, why do you even have a list of “wants” for a date? Is your lovely wife aware that you’re looking? You’re correct: An “adult table” where the men are balding, paunchy, have erectile dysfunction and out themselves as such on someone’s substack is not one I want to sit at. Can’t imagine anyone would. Best of luck in law school and your happy life and marriage!
Interesting that I made an accurate observation about your dating habits and you get all flustered.
Yup - shallow all right
Here is one to look up:
ALPHA
MIKE
FOXTROT
“A big dick is non-negotiable. I’ve had 3 kids; you’ve got to fill the void.”
Uh, this is exactly why a 23 year-old mistress is non-negotiable for successful men. Young and tight is the male equivalent of big dick.
Successful men... without big dicks? Wouldn't a 23yo muscular young man with a big dick actually be the equivalent of a 23yo "young and tight mistress," if we're comparing apples to apples? As stated previously, not sure why Diane's personal preference is causing so much hurt. Big dick, big tits, big ass... we all have preferences and are allowed to express and prioritize them, no?
So I guess us normal guys need childless women for the right fit. Cats are OK, though.
What’s a “normal” guy?
The 90% who don’t have pornstar dimensions.
Oh I see. There's a difference between "big dick" and pornstar dimensions though. The venn diagram overlaps but they're not the same. If Diane's standard of what she's looking for sexually is uncomfortable for you, a "normal guy," that just means you two aren't a fit. Why is it socially acceptable for men to loudly want specific female body parts: big tits, big ass, etc, but for a woman to want a big dick, it's abnormal? It's just evolution. Women with those proportions are perhaps more fertile. Men with big dicks are perhaps more virile. Childless or not, many women do prefer a big dick to a small one. Just like many men prefer big tits to a flat chest. There are 8 billion people in the world, you can find someone who wants a "normal guy."
That said, the quality of sex isn't determined by physical attributes alone. Those body parts are attached to actual people who have minds, hearts and souls. Love, intimacy, chemistry, compatibility, even humor are some of the things that take sex to the mind-blowing level, at least in my experience.
She's giving dating advice, not relationship advice—and where is it ever said, written or even implied that she's "banging every guy"?