Divorce or Date #3

DoD, Ep. 28: The C-Suite Approach

I haven’t seen Diane in years, but she’s in town for a few days and staying right near me so we meet up for drinks and dinner. She’s been separated for about two years and dating since then. Diane is a very successful business woman and ultrarunner—she doesn’t fuck around, even when it comes to fucking around.

I explain my first week dating woes and she tells me, “First of all, you can’t cancel all your dates, Maggie. You’ve got to just bang them out. I would take a Saturday and go on four dates in a row.”

I look at her in shock and awe, “Four in a day?! What like, coffee?”

“Coffee, walk, coffee, sushi, it doesn’t matter. Schedule them and get them done.”

This is why she’s a baller in the C-suite while I’m a writer who works in a café every morning. I also can’t drink that much coffee in a day. It makes me too anxious.

“It’s like a funnel,” Diane instructs me. “It’s just numbers. Start with 100, whittle it down to 10, go out with 4. See how that goes and then do another wave.”

“It sounds exhausting.”

“It is,” she assures me.

I ask what she prioritizes for because I’m finding it challenging to discover someone’s inner beauty on a 2D app. I show her some of my matches, including the radiantly hot 55yo with the 10-pack abs who’s been chatting with me and is currently skiing in St. Moritz with his daughter.

“You’ve got to know what you want,” says Diane. “I want a guy who’s 5’11 and fit. He doesn’t have to be as obviously handsome as your match, but he has to have a good body and I won’t do bald. A big dick is non-negotiable. I’ve had 3 kids; you’ve got to fill the void.”

I am crying laughing. We’re in the lobby of a lovely beachside hotel and our cackling is likely disturbing some of the other guests. I reconsider the hundreds of kegels I do daily. My vaj can turn cartwheels at this point, but Diane’s strategy is so much more efficient and pleasurable.

“But you have to fool around with them to know if they have the big D,” I point out once I catch my breath.

Diane nods, “That’s why I have a sex-first policy. If I’m not having sex with him by the second or third date, I’m never going to. And if it’s bad, he’s out.”

I don’t disagree. None of us are virgins (by far). We’re divorced moms and it wasn’t God who impregnated us through the Holy Ghost. Sexual compatibility is a must since most of us aren’t looking for Husband #2. Like Ali Wong says, divorced moms just want to get dicked down.

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“Exactly,” says Diane. “We don’t want a man’s sperm or money. This is why younger men love women our age. It’s a better fit. Because the women their age want marriage, babies and money. Older men chasing younger women are stupid—unless they want to do the whole marriage and kids thing again.”

It’s exactly what the tall European catfish told me about why he prefers dating older women/moms.

I ask, “Am I missing out by not matching with the less attractive guys? Maybe they’re amazing but how would I even know?”¹

“Well you’re hot. I’m hot. We’re not going to date someone ugly,” Diane says matter-of-factly. “But I might swipe right on someone because they have a nice smile, even though they might not be classically handsome.”

I mention how I have a thing for good teeth.²

“So that’s a need-to-have for you,” she says. “And if a guy says he’s 5’10, he’s 5’8. If he says he’s 5’6, he’s 5’4. If he says he’s 6’ (or over), he’s 6’ because he cleared the height bar. You should change your filter to 5’11.”

This is why you need girlfriends who’ve gone through this to show you how it’s done.

Diane does tell me, though, that she’s not sure lightning strikes twice when it comes to falling-in-soulmate-love.

“When you have that sort of connection: emotional, mental, physical, sexual—that level of intimacy—I don’t think it comes around very often,” she says thoughtfully. “I don’t understand your ex at all. He’s never going to find someone like you or that kind of connection again. And definitely not in LA.”

I’ve heard this from nearly everyone: Meeting anyone is difficult, but the soul-connecting, earth-shattering love my ex and I shared is incredibly rare. Like once-in-a-lifetime rare. Like why am I even bothering with this dating thing.

Diane notices my downcast face and quickly adds, “But YOU will. You are so smart and gorgeous and sweet and fun and interesting. You just need to get out there. You’ll find him.”

This is also why you need girlfriends, even (or maybe especially) ones you haven’t seen in decades.

Diane has to catch an early flight so she can get back to her newest younger boyfriend, who cooks for her, hides an 8-pack underneath his suit (like Clark Kent)³ and basically worships the ground she walks on.

Her parting advice:

“Do FaceTime chats to see what they look like so you won’t be surprised. Make them smile with their teeth! Definitely go out with 10-pack and the other tall, handsome one. Have fun with it. Be open. It really can be fun,” she promises me. “And come to New York soon.”

I’m not sold on the fun part, but the New York part? Done. Maybe that editor I always had a crush on is finally single, too.⁴

If you want to share your (anonymous) dating-after-divorce or dating-a-divorcé(e) story, let me know!

1. It’s not an inverse proportion thing: People don’t automatically get nicer/more amazing the less physically attractive they are.

2. My friend Wendy agrees with me, “Sometimes I want to match with an otherwise questionable guy just because he’s got great teeth!”

3. This is what I call “undercover hot.” Undercover hot guys are the best. His hotness often goes unnoticed so he doesn’t have an inflated ego since women aren’t constantly throwing themselves at him.

4. My NYU in Paris MFA peeps know who I’m talking about!