Shame On You & You & You
DoD Ep. 3: But Not You
Britney Spears’s husband of 14 months recently filed for divorce. Because it’s Britney, it’s already ugly and splashed across the tabloids and the usual “she’s crazy, hypersexualized, a risk to her own safety” gossip has surfaced. This poor woman, who had her childhood and 13 years of her adulthood stolen from her—all while losing custody of her two sons—is being put through the shredder (again) because she’s getting divorced like half of us do.
Blaming and shaming women for choices made equally by a man and a woman is what we do as a society. (Unwanted pregnancy, anyone?)
Where are the hit pieces about Britney’s 12-years-younger ex being a social-climbing gold digger? I mean, there are a few, but nowhere near the amount of “Is Britney ok?” schadenfreude stories.
I’d venture that Britney is as okay as any woman in her 40s whose marriage is over. She probably has great days where she feels liberated from an unhappy union and terrible ones where she feels like a failure at marriage (again).
Or maybe that’s just me and, possibly, you?
Last I checked, Britney’s living her best dancing life on a Mexican vacay.
Divorce Is Not Failure
One of the things that kept me in an obviously toxic marriage was the idea that I was failing if I got divorced. I got married in my 30s, an “older” bride who had “geriatric pregnancies” <insert eye roll>. I truly thought I would stay married to the grave. Whether it’s because Koreans don’t get divorced (they do) or Catholic schoolgirls don’t (they do), it took me a long time and a lot of therapy to stop shaming myself because my marriage ended.
According to this NYC divorce attorney, with a failure rate up to 76%, marriage fits the legal definition of negligence and probably, insanity.
If the majority of us are in unsuccessful marriages, why guilt ourselves for getting out?
Even for the lying, cheating cowards among us, ending a marriage because it’s not working isn’t a reason to feel guilt and shame. Being a lying, cheating coward while you’re married, however, is. SHAME ON YOU.
No matter how or why your marriage ended, the failure feelings will hit. Hard. While I generally don’t look to guys in sports and startups for life advice, I think failure is one area where we should all have the unblinkered optimism of, well, men:
“It’s not a failure. It’s steps to success.” - Milwaukee Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo after being eliminated in the first round of the NBA playoffs
“Fail fast, fail often” - Every Silicon Valley startup founder
I kid… sort of. Great women have great failure quotes, too:
"Failure is another stepping stone to greatness." ― Oprah Winfrey
"Failure is a part of the process. You just learn to pick yourself back up." ― Michelle Obama
Way to reframe failure, famous ladies!
If they can do it, so can you: Your divorce does not equal failure. It’s just another (very common) stepping stone of life.
And if all else fails (haha) to make you feel better, there’s always the sexy selfie…
The Sexy Selfie Stage Of Divorce
Britney’s thong-clad Instareels are a big reason for the tongue wags and pearl clutches. She can’t possibly be okay when she’s shamelessly twerking in leopard print bikinis, sometimes on a stripper pole.
A 41-year-old popstar, celebrated worldwide for her sexuality since she was 16 and recently separated from her much-younger husband, should cover herself in burlap and ashes so some Karens don’t think she’s lost her mind?
I’d venture that Britney has lost her mind, a bit. We ALL do when we’re getting divorced! In men, it shows up as hair plugs and racy cars. In women, especially mothers who find themselves suddenly single in their middle age, it shows up as overt sexuality.
At least it did for me.
After years of being a faithful wifey-mommy with a perpetual five pounds of baby weight to lose, I was fifteen pounds lighter in two months (Ozempic’s got nothing on divorce), emotionally fragile, and even more boundary-less. I could fit into my college skinny clothes and my delicately cracked, damsel-in-distress vibe had dudes just dive-bombing my DMs.
It was heady and flattering and I’ve never taken more selfies and mirror shots in my life, before or since. Which, of course, I posted all over my socials.
I was cheated on and trampled by my partner of 14 years. I needed to reaffirm my attractiveness (which I equated with self worth during this actual lowest point of my life). The sexy selfie was the fastest way to do it. The origin of the thirst trap has to be a really bad breakup.
One would hope that friends and family understand you’re acting out of grief, pain and confusion. At the very least, they should like your photo, leave a few fire emojis and move on.
The good ones do. The rest will side-eye, gossip and express exaggerated concern, “Hey, are you okay?”
Fuck you, no, I’m not okay. My marriage and life as I’ve known it for a decade are over. My young children are sad and bewildered. My ex is a raging narcissist. Would you be okay if that happened to you, you sanctimonious twat?! Also, how are my nips in this pic?
Mute The Comments
These were actual comments so-called friends and acquaintances made about me during the height of my Sexy Selfie Stage of Divorce. Mutual friends shared them with me.1
“We think Maggie’s going through a midlife crisis.” SHAME ON YOU
“Maggie Kim is a slut.”2 SHAME ON YOU
“Is Maggie okay? She’s just so out there right now.” SHAME ON YOU
“You’re the hottest woman I’ve ever seen.” THANK YOU, random sir in my hidden requests folder
The last comment and aforementioned emojis are the only acceptable things to say when your newly divorcing friend is in her Sexy Selfie Stage. Same for your buddy’s new hairline and electric Porsche.
Jesus, people. Do we really have such little collective empathy that shaming a woman (or man) for trying to reclaim their post-marriage identity—in whatever ways they know how—is snarky fodder for our judgment and disdain? Do we really want to hurt someone who’s already going through one of life’s most painful experiences?
SHAME ON US.
Six years out, I have more compassion for the compassion-less commenters. They’re undoubtedly going through their own pain and deflecting it onto others rather than tending to their weeping wounds. Or they’re just assholes.
Either way, the moral of this story is many-fold:
If you’re going through a divorce, do not feel guilt or shame. More than half the married population is going through the same thing. You are fine, normal and not a failure.
Post all the sexy selfies you want. I know you’re suffering on the inside, but on the outside, you are fire. When you’re older, happier and fatter, you’ll be glad you took photos of yourself looking so miserably hot. I know I do!
Don’t mock other people’s pain, ever. It makes you a terrible human.
The Endless Summer Of Divorce
According to magazines with nothing better to do than track celebrity breakups, Summer 2023 was a doozy. If your relationship survived this Summer of Unlove, congratulations!
And if it didn’t, join the club and sign up for Divorce or Die!
Why do friends tell you the nasty things other friends said about you? What’s the agenda there? I see it as a red flag because it’s unkind and manipulative.
Is slut still part of the lexicon? Do the kids use it or is it reserved for self-loathing, middle-aged losers?