Divorce or Date #1
DoD, Ep. 26: Am I Really Doing This Again?
I’m officially counting February as the start of the new year. Between the fires in Los Angeles and the dumpster fire that’s our new government, let a girl have her Lunar New Year.1 Also: YES, Eagles!!!!
One of the things I did last week was cull all the Substacks cluttering up my inboxes because I have no more space in my mental and digital landscape. This has nothing to do with the quality of what I was reading. It’s just that I can’t read another blog or newsletter.
I can barely write one.
I’ve been blogging about my life since before the term “blog” existed (for real). Ascertain what you will re: my age and my ego.
I imagine lots of people feel like me. Too much information, too little time. So I won’t take it personally if you unsubscribe. This newsletter was always supposed to be about practical advice more than navel-gazing or therapizing myself online. I’m trying to think of ways to get you that advice in a digestible form that doesn’t require you reading through my thoughts, feelings or opinions. Like, let’s just get to the recipe. You don’t need to know about my great-aunt’s pantry of expired spices, do you?
That said, I did think writing about my post-divorce, Gen-X dating life could be of interest to some of you. When isn’t love, sex and romance interesting?2
I was a professional dater when I was in my 20’s. Not because I was an escort but because I wrote a monthly dating column for Cosmopolitan, which then got picked up by MSN.com. A “real-life Carrie Bradshaw.” I had to date for $2 a word so I did. Not a prostitute?
I said yes to every blind date and set-up. I boldly approached men in bars and clubs. I made questionable romantic choices, hooking up with actors, models and rockstars—and when things inevitably blew up in my face, at least it made for a funny story that I was paid $4000 for.3 The good old days of publishing… I’m weeping right now. (Just like the Kansas City Chiefs!)
Some guys dated me only to see if they’d make it into the column and when they didn’t like how they were portrayed, they’d send me indignant (read: hurt) emails after.
I didn’t read their hurt. I characterized them as bad kissers with fragile egos. I was crueler back then. Sorry, I was in my 20’s! Though I’m not that apologetic because most guys were/are careless, too. So fuck ‘em.4
I have never dated with an app. When I first got separated, I went on Raya and Bumble for about a minute because my girlfriends insisted—and I immediately deleted them. (I don’t know how to Raya-refer you, I’m sorry!)5
Here’s my first standup show where I talk about having to online date:
Maybe because it was pre-pandemic, it was easier to meet people IRL. Not that I wanted to date, but it was a salve to my battered heart to come across a bunch of frankly gorgeous (and much younger) people who wanted me. Whether for a night, an emotional affair, or a threesome, it was all ego-boosting but it wasn’t serious.6
Until it was. Love hit me like a freight train… and love is more beautiful than any male supermodel.7
But here I am, four years later, bruised and healing once more and I guess I’m ready to date?
Your long-lost Dating Diarist is back, y’all. My first date is tomorrow night.8 Like riding a bike?
P.S. If you want to share your dating-after-divorce or dating-a-divorcé(e) story here, let me know! I don’t plan on dating as vigorously as I did in my 20s. I got kids and I’m writing a novel. So let’s tell yours. Anonymously, of course, unless you want otherwise.
P.P.S. I have to walk back what I said re: not reading another blog. I just finished the first draft of this post when I reconnected with a longtime friend who I haven’t seen since I moved to Paris. We reconnected because I saw her photo in some dude’s dating profile! I matched with him just so I could ask if it was Naomi. Sure enough it was. You can’t make this up.
This is how I know life is a simulation and nothing (and everything) is random. Naomi is writing the GenXXX version of dating right now—dicks, ghosts, Raya rejection and all. She’s been navigating this space for a few years while I was divorcing and shacking up with someone. So definitely read it. She and I will be doing some collaborations, too, so stay tuned!
My children, home and I were all safe during the fires, thank you.
I’m a Libra so these things will always be top of mind for me.
It wasn’t called “content” in the early 2000s.
I promise I’m much, much less cruel now.
As my friend Peter (who’s been on Raya for years now) told me, it’s a totally fake app that’s for ego-boosting more than a connection. I have to agree.
I didn’t think I’d get into a relationship until my divorce was over. Wrong again.
Sorry it’s true, J & A.
Oh wait. I had a pickleball date with someone way too young. I had more fun learning pickleball and talking with the other players. So that one doesn’t count. But I love pickleball now!