Holy time acceleration, Batman, it’s already February 51 of the not-so-new year and where am I even with my resolutions habits?
Answer: Not where I want to be.
Also, the atmospheric river thing happening in California right now feels pretty doomsday-ish, which is weird because this weather pattern is pretty normal during a 6-month-long Paris winter… but I guess context is king?
A habit I’ve been wanting to get into is a weekly check-in with my Divorce or Die subscribers. In year 1 of my divorce, one of my therapists suggested I devote only one hour a day to my divorce. By year 4 of my divorce, she downgraded it to, “How about you devote just one hour a day to NOT dealing with your divorce?”
Yes, it was that bad. But this was solid advice when it comes to wellbeing. Not mine, of course, because I couldn’t manage even an hour of not ruminating on my 24/7/365 and 7 years divorce and custody battle.
I wish I’d taken her advice because I’d probably be a lot healthier, saner and financially solvent today.
I’m still not great at turning down the intensity. After years of fight, flight and freeze, I’m admittedly high-key, though I can hide it pretty well in public.2
I am trying. I started the Artist’s Way last week with Ali Griffin Vingiano’s group and even though I got off to a rocky start, it’s already changing me—as unbelievable as that sounds. I’m sure I’ll talk/write about it more in the future, but a big takeaway from my Morning Pages so far is about freeing myself—from the constant anxiety; the perfectionism; the never being good enough; the paralysis of my situation.
Divorce is a major “One Day I’ll Be…” mindfuck. One day I’ll be happy, free, in love again, done with legal shit, with my kids, at peace… divorced. As any Buddhist worth her dharma name3 can tell you, it’s not about one day, it’s about today and even more so, this moment. There’s bliss in being so mindfully in the moment. It’s very difficult to do, especially in the chaos of divorce—which is when you need it the most.
So in the spirit of my old therapist’s advice, the Artist’s Way, my lapsed Buddhism and wanting to make sure my divorcing brethren are being well… here are 3 suggestions to make this week a little less divorce-y.
1 Thing, 1 Hour, 1x/Week Just For You (not even asking for one hour a day because yeah, right)
Last week, I went to a new meditation center called The Breathing Room and tried a Sound Dome session for 20 minutes. It wasn’t an hour, but the whole process of driving there, seeing a (new for me) part of town and doing something cool for myself made it one of the highlights of my week. (It was also my Artist Date.) This week, I think I want to see a comedy show, rains be damned. I always want a massage, too, but somehow that doesn’t seem to happen much.
Tell me what you’re doing for you this week.
Waiting For Bridgerton
Season 3 can’t come soon enough, but until then I’ve been making do with Amazon’s Mr. And Mrs. Smith, starring Donald Glover and Maya Erskine. It surprised me with its incisive look at the travails of love and marriage. The writing and acting are on point.
Join The Chat
Imma be honest: I am exhausted by my divorce. It’s been 7 years. I want to help you with your divorce woes, but I know problems are often timely and by the time I get to writing, editing and posting a newsletter, you’re probably past your current issue and onto the next. SO, I’m opening this subscriber chat where we can vent, cry, ask questions, seek help and give support in real time—or close to it. It’s also a place where you can let me know what advice and answers you most need and want me to write about. It’s only for subscribers so please subscribe if you haven’t!
There will be a much longer newsletter later this week about, oh joy, lawyers!4
And for 2 things that brought me so much actual joy for different reasons this week… I’ve watched each of them about a dozen times. ENJOY!
Happy Birthday to my Favorite Cousin!!
Except road rage. The Santa Monica stop sign rollers are going to be the death of me… If they don’t kill me by crashing into me, I will stroke out from sheer fury.
Mine is “Mindful Light Of The Heart.” I’m a student of the late Thich Nhat Hanh.
Filed Under: Stuff You Need To Know When You’re Divorcing