I have been officially divorced for 20 days!
After almost exactly 7 years of the Tortured Divorce Department1, I (and my kids) have made it through the inferno.
It’s still sinking in. I’m in a limbo state where it doesn’t seem real the nightmare is finally over. I wake up with my usual morning anxiety. Nothing seems that different, but it is.
The first question friends and fam asked after I signed my divorce papers was, “How do you feel?”
What a complicated question.
I definitely feel lighter. I am so relieved I don’t have legal shit and bills anymore2. I have my children next to me again, the miracle I’ve been praying for—for 5 years.
My daughter made this beautiful “Newly Divorced” card. I love the poetry of the broken heart, surrounded by such pretty, delicate ribbons and flowers, which appear to be nourished by the droplets of blood. Tender beauty from heart-rending pain. It’s a metaphorically accurate rendering of the divorce cycle.
As my newly divorced reality and my feelings around it settle in, I do have some thoughts about the end of a divorce for those still in the thick of it.
Divorce Usually Ends With A Whimper
I’ve mentioned this stat before, but only 5-10% of divorces go to trial. More than 90% of divorcing couples are mentally and emotionally balanced enough to avoid court and settle. This is something I say all the time (feel free to attribute it to me because I totally believe I made it up):
“It takes two people to settle, but only one to go to court.”
- Maggie Kim
If one person is hell-bent on going to court because they’re in Delulu Land or they’re out for revenge, well, you’re going to court.
If one person is an entitled idiot who thinks a family court judge will reward them handsomely for being incapable of settling their divorce like a reasonable human person, well, you’re going to court.
After the sturm und drang of my War of the Roses, it ended how many divorces do: a settlement that both parties agreed to with realistic terms where no one “won it all.” (Apart from our now-even-wealthier attorneys.) The sad stupidity is we could should have settled this between us years ago. We’d be happier, healthier, younger and richer right now. Our kids would not have had more than half their childhoods marred by this soul-sucking divorce. We wouldn’t be so battle-scarred.
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say they wound up settling their divorce (after years of legal conflict) on the same terms that were initially proposed at the beginning of the divorce (which one person rejected). The only difference is there was far less cash to split because the bulk of it went to lawyers.
The longer you drag out a divorce, the poorer and more bedraggled you’ll be. This is why the Murdochs, Bezoses, and Portmans of the world get divorced as quickly as possible.
Be like them. No one wins in divorce court. One of my best friends who is famous in legal circles for having won “yuuuge” in her divorce says the hell she went through was not worth it for her or her now-grown children.
Even if you’ve been battling for years, keep trying to settle. Every year for 7 years, I wrote my ex a letter, begging him to settle for our family’s sake. This last time, he finally listened. As one lawyer said to me back in 2019 when I painfully lost custody, “All is not lost, Maggie.”
Time changes everything and wears down even the most stubborn among us. All is never lost. Remember that.
Keep Loving Your Life
There are other important things in your life besides your divorce and custody battle, even though it doesn’t seem like it when you’re in it. And I know nothing is more important than our children.
Still, you have to keep living, loving and enjoying your life. (Don’t let the terrorists win. SHOP!)3
The court process is sloooow and you can’t control all the variables of a legal battle. You need to preserve your strength, sanity and cortisol levels.
Many people tried to remind me of this over the years, but I’ve been in fight, flight and freeze for so long, I’ve nearly forgotten how to breathe, rest and relax. I’ve ruined so many holidays by spending hours ruminating on or replying to a provoking text or a legal brief. I won’t say it was ruined by the ex or the brief because *I* chose my reactions in those moments and I could have chosen differently.
I could have chosen to luxuriate in the limpid waters of the Aegean with my love or play silly games with my kids when they weren’t yet teenagers. But I didn’t.
Those are my regrets. I wish for you not to have the same.
Just a few days after I signed my divorce papers in Paris4, I learned that a close friend of mine had suddenly, inconceivably passed away. This, too, feels surreal.
I am so sad I didn’t get to say goodbye. I am gutted for her young children who no longer have their mom. I can’t believe she won’t know I’ve finally gotten divorced.
She was a friend since long before my separation, full of blunt advice I didn’t always want to hear but which was frequently right. She was the friend who wanted to see me be my wild, true self in the chaos of my divorce. She praised and encouraged my writing. She sent me plane tickets to visit her in San Francisco. She introduced me to the cutest boys she knew. She threw me a party in Beverly Hills when I first arrived in LA after my separation. She lent me her SUV for a year. One blissful summer, we and our kids spent a month together in a townhouse in the Castro, where we had a fabulous dinner party that Sam Altman (pre-OpenAI infamy) and a movie star-gorgeous ceramics artist attended.
She was one of the fiercest warriors I knew—often to her detriment—because fighting for justice is rarely rewarded, especially when you’re a woman of color.
I can’t believe she’s gone, even more than I can’t believe I’m divorced.
Having these two sweeping events so juxtaposed has me reflecting on what this life is for and about. Yes, it all matters, but it also doesn’t. Death is the only and final absolute, the equalizer of us all, so maybe we can take this life less seriously and find more fun whenever possible… before we’re equalized.
For 7 years I’ve thought I’d be Happy! Fit! Problem-Free! once my divorce was done and my kids were in my custody. Here I am… thrilled to be divorced and grieving the loss of my friend. I’ve had to embrace so much nuance in my experiences when I didn’t want to. But if I didn’t, I’d be forever frustrated and disappointed. Without the light and the dark, the good with the bad, this game would get real boring, real fast.
My friend’s last directive (and she was always directing—IYKYK) was for people to be more present in this life; to marvel at nature’s beauty; to love each other better; to be authentically ourselves. To laugh.
In our friendship, she always rooted for my freedom and happiness. I’m honoring her by taking this summer off to revel in my new divorcée status while going back to my roots: Korea, here I come!
Tl;dr:5 Your divorce may feel long, but it will be over one day. Just don’t wait until “one day” to love your life, calamities and all.
I’m divorced, Su! We finally did it! Sing me a song, friend, wherever you are.
Probably already trademarked by Taylor Swift .
Not fully, due to a pair of unethical French lawyers I still have to deal with.
And we thought he was the dumbest, worst POTUS ever.
Yes, I had to fly to Paris for 2 days (with 2 weeks notice) to sign my divorce papers in person. Zoom and Docusign are not accepted for divorce in France. Now you know.
She’s the first person who used that with me.
Beautiful. ❤️
Onward and upward, my friend. Go revel in this life and your loves. xx